To Russia, with Love

I’m a little confused about our love affair with Russia, alias the USSR, alias the Soviet Union, alias the Red Menace.  As a Baby Boomer, I certainly grew up feeling the big chill of the Cold War.  In those decades of the mid to late twentieth century, Americans had one arch enemy: the red communists from the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republic.  The Soviets, in turn, saw America as the big evil on the planet, capable of launching nuclear war—just as they could, too.  It was spy versus spy: the freedom-loving Western world versus the Godless communist Soviet Eastern bloc.  We were taught in school the Cold War was about democracy versus communism.  Really the ‘war’ was about economic theory, capitalism versus socialism, than political philosophy.  There was blatant hypocrisy in communism, which in theory sounds Utopian: Everyone is equal, even paid equally.  That’s not how it worked, though.  The rulers were always fat cats while the majority lived in deprivation, just happy to be alive, sort of.  Time and again, history teaches that the human masses will topple governments that just don’t work in the best interest of all the people.

In 1980 President Carter campaigned to continue diplomatic relations with the Soviet Union to reduce the threat of a future nuclear war.  But the Republicans—backed big time by the so-called Silent Majority, the religious right—maintained the USSR would never be a friend to the United States.  Their candidate Ronald Reagan felt the same way, innately distrustful of the Soviet Union.  That year would be my first presidential election, so I discussed the issue with many adults.  And I could not believe my ears: Most folks I knew, all Texans, were voting for Reagan.  I loved Jimmy Carter—despite the gas lines, inflation, lay-offs, energy conservation, and Iranian hostage crisis.  He was a Democrat, and that was good enough for me.  I was idealistic and believed Carter should try to make friends with the Soviets.  I did not see them as people to fear, though I clearly recall their iron-fisted government as foreboding.  Life in the Soviet Union featured food lines; cramped dingy apartments; criminal black markets; forbidden music, art and religious expression; censored news; lots of lies; and mandated job quotas.  They had one thing going for them: Everyone had housing, something America still wrestles with.

While debating my support for Carter with a conservative Christian friend, I explained the one thing I liked about the president was his willingness to talk with the Soviet Union.  Appalled by the very idea, that was exactly why my friend refused to support Carter, because the Soviets were just evil and could not be trusted.  I realized then America needed to maintain the Cold War and dis-ease with the other world power.  Once Reagan was president, he frequently criticized the Soviet leaders and often suggested the Soviet people compare the quality of life in America to their own.  Later Reagan dubbed a state-of-the-art nuclear protection system for our hemisphere as ‘Star Wars,’ and that really upset the Soviet man on the street.  They seemed to view this possible protection shield in outer space as some sure sign we were going to nuke them first.  The ‘shield’ was to keep the nukes in outer space so no harm would come to our side of the planet.

What no one knew during the 1980s was the West had already won the Cold War.  Democracy had won.  Capitalism had won.  How?  Besides the Soviets’ love of jeans (yes, American blue jeans!) and black market rock albums, American television in communist nations probably had the biggest impact.  Glamorous soap operas like Dallas opened the eyes of the masses living in the bleak Soviet bloc.  But the biggest thing that really broke the Soviet Union was CNN.  Once everyone on the planet could see with their own eyes what’s going on around the world and that there was nothing to fear especially from the West, the Eastern bloc dictated by the Soviet Union began to break away, country by country—because the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev allowed it.  Finally the Berlin Wall was busted to smithereens.  It was a beautiful moment in human history.  Freedom had won over tyranny, trust over fear, love over hate.

She sold seashells by the seashore

The Soviets and others who experienced an entire economy based on socialist-Big Brother theory and propaganda were going to have to think differently about every aspect of their lives and livelihoods.  Economically, they were going to have to turn around very quickly if they wanted to emulate what Americans take for granted: supermarkets with plenty of food, houses, reliable fuel and energy, cars, clothes, stuff, honest business dealings and money handling, plus competing for jobs and salaries and even self-employment through privately-owned businesses—all this because of total and complete individual freedom: of thought, word, deed, art and media.  The New Russians tried.  But one generation can’t create what has taken America and Western Europe hundreds of years to develop.  They were starting from scratch.  And an overjoyed America, still chanting “We’re Number One,” did not do much to help the Russians transform their lives in preparation for the twenty-first century.

With the breakup of the Soviet Union, Russia became the new-old name of the largest part of the former communist empire.  Maps were redrawn and redrawn.  It was messy for a decade or so.  As the Russians continued to suffer trying to catch up with American capitalism—which in itself is cold blooded and ruthless—the days of the former Soviet Union became glorified memories.  Enter a new leader: Vladimir Putin, a former KGB agent with a hard-line penchant toward restored communism.  He has proven to be a leader who insists upon total control and is willing to go to any extreme including imprisoning and killing enemies and of course censoring the media, incredulous in this internet age.  President Obama slapped economic sanctions on Putin’s Russia for a military encroachment into Ukraine, a nearby European country that was begrudgingly part of the former Soviet Union long ago.

But President Trump has some kind of bromance with Putin, speaking admiringly of his counterpart in the First World.  And why does Trump want to make amends with Russia?  Oil, glorious oil!  So both of our conflicting economic and governance theories have come full circle.  But alas comrade, communism supports the government as controller of all mineral rights—not private citizens, land owners or businesses.  Americans, the hardest-working people on earth, crave gasoline.  How we gonna get to work without it?

President Trump is a businessman first.  Putin is a communist first.  America and Russia are like a divorced couple who are dating again.  It’s crazy to outsiders, but the two lovers can’t fight the attraction.  They are the magnet, and we are the steel.  In communist Soviet Russia, there was a saying: You see one thing, hear another, and think a third.  With Trump’s tough talk, twisting the truth, and blasting the American media—with its constitutional role to ensure a lasting democracy—perhaps now the old Soviet adage applies to the New Americans.

The student outsmarts the teacher

(Squelch)  Is this mike on?  Pop, pop, pop.  (chuckles)  So, did you hear the one about the teachers who are evaluated by their students?!  (laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh)  Well, let’s just say the kids are getting away with a lot more stuff than they used to.  (laugh, laugh)  No, I’m serious, this is a thing.  Schools are making students as young as third grade rate their teachers.  (laugh, cough, chuckles)  Teens evaluate their teachers, too, now.  This newfangled mandate comes from the ‘world of academia’ where college students have been evaluating their professors.  (sniff, chuckles)  Can you believe we’re allowing school-age kids to rate teachers, like this means anything?  And the student ratings count, like 15 percent of a teacher’s overall evaluation score.  (gasp, uncomfortable gaze)  Yeah, swear to God.  And this is going on in practically every school district around and throughout the nation.  (sobering stares)

I mean, can you imagine parents being evaluated by their kids?  The likes of us rating our parents?  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  The people who raised us back in the day?  (laugh, laugh)  Boy would my butt be sore!  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  Oh, but the student evaluations are anonymous!  Talk about payback!  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  You know in our day, a lot of kids would’ve scorched certain teachers especially if they flunked a class or were paddled.  (“Yeah, really!” laugh, laugh)  I can think of a couple of teachers that every kid hated.  I won’t mention names, but these were ladies—and yes, for some reason now that I think about it, they were all women who every school kid happened to hate—who paddled some butts or sent kids—usually all boys for some reason—to the principal—who was always a man.  Then the principal would heave-ho the paddle and lay on a few whacks, probably just practicing his baseball swing.  (laugh, laugh)  Remember, the boy would return to class, cocky disposition effectively obliterated (laugh), looking at the ground, sniffling and wiping tears, then dive into his desk and lay his head down in folded arms and cry like a baby.  (laugh, laugh, chuckle, clear throat)

So now we’re letting Eddie Haskell and Larry Mondelo evaluate their teachers?  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  How fair is a kid, especially in elementary school, gonna be?  (chuckle)  No other profession allows kids to rate them, seriously anyway.  Can you imagine kids rating police officers?  Store clerks?  Therapists?  Doctors?  Dentists?  Oh and the kids do not rate the school principals, who as everyone knows have long ago put away the paddle or any remote sort of painful reprimand to effect discipline in our public schools.

Rough Room

Here are some sample questions from the student teacher evaluation.  Really, these are statements that kids rate, like: My teacher is always in a bad mood.  Or ‘My teacher is always very pleasant.’  Or ‘My teacher always takes time to work with me when I don’t understand a problem.’  Or ‘My teacher never supports my community.’  That last one, what the hell?  Why is that an issue today?  Wouldn’t a kid be led to believe that his teacher is supposed to live nearby, grocery shop, attend church and every baseball game with the kid’s family?  (laugh, chuckle)  What is this, 1959?  Like we expect teachers to reside in the communities or cities where they teach?  Do we expect all other professional working people to live in the communities where they just happen to have a job?  (chuckle, chuckle)

The student answer choices are literally: Never, Hardly Ever, Sometimes, Most of the Time, Always.  (laugh, laugh, snort)  Yeah, you adults know what I’m talking about here.  Sounds like quite a few of you have been in ‘couples counseling.’  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  You know, where we are told to avoid telling our partners things like “You never clean the house” or “You always lose your keys.”  (laugh, laugh, laugh)  Psychologists remind us no one is ‘always’ or ‘never’ a certain way.  To even use the terms ‘always’ and ‘never’ when referring to someone is a sign of an immature mind.  It just may seem like someone screws up every day, especially if we don’t like the person anymore.  (laugh)

The student teacher rating is just unbelievable considering kids see everything as black or white.  They are not old enough to understand nuance, mood, life as shades of gray.  We know a person is not the same way every minute of the day.  Am I right?  (“Yeah!”)  So kids are going to check the Never and Always choices when assessing their teachers.  That would explain why most of our teachers do not receive a 100 from their student evaluations or even rate an A.  In fact, a large number are actually failing, in the minds of their students.  (chuckle, laugh)  No wonder so many teachers quit.

Education Major

Look, there isn’t an adult I know who wants to be a teacher.  Come on, show of hands: Who wants to be a teacher, in our public schools?  (laugh, chuckle)  OK, I see a few hands, very few.  I see that group of women back there raising the arm of the guy with you.  Very funny.  (laugh, giggle)  You know why adults don’t want to be teachers?  Because adults don’t want to hang out with lots of kids all day every day … even with summers off.  You like your own kids, right?  (laugh)  OK, you love your children, I know.  But you know kids can get on our nerves.  They can disappoint us sometimes.  And sometimes we don’t react well when a kid says some smart (bleep) thing to us or rolls the eyes or snickers—like they know more than we do.

What I’m trying to say is those who go into teaching are literally doing the Work of God.  (applause, whistles)  They are living, breathing, walking saints of God.  (applause)  They spend all day trying to teach and often end up having to handle kids from a variety of family structures or no structure at all.  And now society is making school kids, including quite a number from rough childhoods with parents in prison or on drugs or overworked and too tired to raise them, rate their teachers—who usually come from a completely different background.  Doesn’t seem funny anymore, does it?

Well, let me leave you with this final thought in praise of teachers or just to feel sorry for them.  (chuckle, chuckle, “Good.  Go.”)  Wait a minute.  Am I being heckled out there?  The state of our schools and the teachers who still work in them is not comedy material to you?  I find it quite laughable sometimes.  Nevertheless, I have a couple more minutes before my set is through.  Someone engage the heckler in a more scintillating topic like Trumpian politics till I’m through here.  (chuckle, “You suck.”)  All right already.

The heckler does prove another point.  The other reason why some folks—maybe like you, just enjoying a comedy club tonight with a drink or two—don’t care much about teachers or the profession.   It’s because we all had bad teachers when we were in school: the grumpy, the overbearing, the smug, the air head, the touchy-feely, the elderly, the chain smoker, the beauty queen, the jock, the disinterested, the loafer, the wannabe cool friend, the creep, the Hitler.  What can we say?  We were raised in a different era maybe.

I grew up with a teacher, and the one thing that struck me during my childhood was how professional she was on the job, not necessarily at home where she expected her kids to behave.  Mom could swing a belt!  (laugh, laugh)  So I looked at my teachers in a different light.  I had a little insight into them as people, unlike my peers who just didn’t like school, being in school, having to be in school, and having to follow rules.  (laugh)  I liked school a lot, not every subject like math and science, but I liked being in school, the formality and the structure.  And I’ll make a confession: As a kid, I always thought the summer breaks were way too long.  Like, why don’t we have year-round school already?  (scant applause)

Like you I suppose, most of my teachers did not leave a great impression on me.  But several did, even a lasting effect, perhaps life altering.  Even in elementary school, I was mature enough to understand every teacher is different.  My job was to try to get along with a variety of personalities, do what they said, and learn their subjects.  I think today by letting students rate their teachers (which really is a way to prevent raises for the less-than-popular types—pssst, most teachers) we are sending a message.  What is the message exactly?  That kids count?  That what children think of their teachers is important?  That what a kid thinks is accurate and reliable, fair and honest?  Have you spent a day in our public schools lately?   (laugh)  Kidworld is cruel, not unlike The Simpsons or Southpark.  (laugh, chuckle)

So my guess is this latest experiment in trying to improve our public schools is solely to whip the teachers into a frenzy.  It’s just continuing the illusion or delusion that our schools—a reflection of our society—are fine, just fine.  (laugh, applause)  You’ve been a great audience, thank you!  Have a good evening everyone!  Enjoy time away from the boss!  (And for teachers, that would be the kids.)

American fear: of guns and immigrants

The only thing Americans have to fear is … more guns than people in the United States.  And most people with a gun in the home are not trained to shoot it.  There are twice as many gun accidents than gun deaths—combined, however, they are in the tens of thousands every single year, and this excludes suicides.  Gun proliferation in our country, our communities and neighborhoods, is more of an immediate threat to our security and sanity than immigrants from the Middle East or Central and South America.

Our own home-grown American crazies who have taken to high-powered assault weapons, the kind used by combat soldiers, are our most pressing concern—screaming for a solution.  The political argument used to center on mental illness or gun control, as if we have to impose on the freedom of the chemically imbalanced or the proud American sportsman.  By now we’d best deal with our own personal national epidemic of gun violence.

And our fearless leaders did just that, by eradicating a late-ordered Obama mandate that would have kept people with mental illness from buying guns.  So the insane along with the rest of us can enjoy our American right to bear arms?  What’s there to be afraid of if’n we’re all packin’?

But it doesn’t work that way.  Time and again, we are caught off guard by a maniac or maniacs shooting up high schools, elementary schools, churches, mosques, playgrounds, cinemas, restaurants, funeral processions, Wal-Marts, shopping malls, apartments, residential streets, Christmas parties, birthday parties, courthouses, police stations, protests, police officers, nightclubs.  Most of these mass shootings had nothing to do with Muslim terrorists and everything to do with easy access to assault rifles and unchecked mental illness.

1980

Remember the issues behind gun control—way back when Americans really thought reason and sanity would win over fear and power and money?  First John Lennon was shot multiple times, then a few months into 1981 President Reagan and James Brady, then Pope John Paul II.  Only one of these men died, another left with permanent brain damage, and two survived—Reagan and the Pope recollecting with a chuckle their brush with death.  Their assailants were carrying only a handgun, and the movement against guns was underway.  No one was safe since anyone could buy a gun even illegally.  Many guns linked to crimes were stolen, usually during home burglaries and then passed down by sale or pawn.  No questions asked.

Oh and then in the 1990s the uproar for the seemingly rational government background check for anyone wanting to purchase a gun.  Those years of heated debate have faded into black and white memories.  A decade later, shooting deaths not only continued (by the tens of thousands every year) but mass killing sprees were accomplished by high-powered rifles to ensure multiple deaths in a frenzied lust for bloody murder.  The movie Bowling for Columbine about the Colorado high school massacre and the student assailants didn’t change Washington or the nation.  Instead, Americans were more vocally adamant for carrying guns at all times anywhere, any place … just in case.  They seemed to be chasing the very real opportunity to play hero, Clint Eastwood with a .44 Magnum—just like in the movies!  Make my day, punk.  It didn’t matter that every police and law enforcement association was against ‘any and every body carrying a gun.’  They had a point, being the ones who legally wear a gun and are without a doubt trained and licensed to shoot one.  They know all about criminals, drunkenness and doped-up delusion, human passion, depression, and how quick guns kill.  Yet society just didn’t feel safe letting cops fight their battles, real or imagined.

Holy terror, Batman  

We got caught off guard by 9/11 and subsequent attacks like the Boston marathon and San Bernardino.  During the presidential campaign, I had tweeted: If Trump wins, it will be because of San Bernardino; if Hillary loses, it will be because she always includes a Muslim-dressed woman among a multi-ethnic crowd of supporters for speeches.  That was a turn off to Americans after two long, hard, vicious wars trying to combat Muslim terrorists.  Call it prejudice, but it’s how Americans feel pain.

The terrorists who attacked our homeland wanted to bring what people in the Middle East deal with every day and have for decades.  Terrorists are usually not highly educated and come from dire poverty unimaginable to anyone growing up in the U.S.  An unschooled mind within a poor family and community is a dangerous thing.  There is no hope … except for religion.  Many Christian families can relate.  The Great Depression drew throngs of folks to church, hoping things would turn around … and we would find God’s favor once more.  Terrible times often bring people to their knees in prayer to God.

In these admittedly dangerous times in which we live … there still is no comparison between the numbers of Americans killed by terrorists in our country and abroad to the number of Americans killed and maimed by guns and assault rifles at the hands of our own.  Many Americans will not part with guns because they have the Constitution on their side.  In the beginning Americans were given the right to bear arms to form a militia—probably because in those more dangerous times there was the likelihood a ruler might attempt to overthrow our newly born democracy.  It’s happened throughout history and still does in nations all around us.

But since 1776, guns have become awfully powerful … and fast!  Our forefathers never could have conceived of such a thing in the days of muskets and reloading powder.  A modern gun’s sudden death and damage today is faster than a speeding bullet—irreparable, perhaps doing more damage to our collective psyche than to the doomed human life.

We are the ones with the sickness, the mental defect, the dangerous and deadly personality quirk when it comes to our ideas about personal safety and guns.  Our nation’s history was built by our own people who had to quickly size up an enemy: from Redcoats to ‘red skins’ then black and brown and yellow.  By  now it’s in our genes, our perpetual need for an enemy.  So we shoot first and ask questions later.